HOW REAL IS PORN SEX, ANYWAY?

I am going to start off by saying that I love porn. I really do and I think that in healthy doses and with the right partner, porn can actually enhance a couple’s sex life dramatically. But, for every up, there unfortunately is a down and therefore I wanted to address something that is quite personal to me and something that I've had to deal with and experience firsthand in one of my own past relationships. I believe this to be a very interesting and somewhat controversial topic and I have seen couples and have also been one half of a couple who has gotten into several heated arguments about this very thing. Today’s blog is about “porn sex versus real sex” and the reason I decided to do a blog post about this is because Dr. Emily Morse and Dr. Drew Pinsky actually had a conversation on her podcast “Sex With Emily” today about porn sex versus real sex. You can find all the details about the episode here. Now, I have yet to listen to the podcast episode - I was planning to make some time to listen to it later tonight, but I love both Dr. Morse and Dr. Drew and think they really tell it like it is and genuinely know what the hell they're talking about - so do yourself a favor and subscribe to her podcast “Sex With Emily.”

But first, here comes what is my untouched and very personal opinion on this. I had a boyfriend a while ago in my 20’s. It was a great relationship for the most part. He was perfect in every way. He had a good job, was a little older and wiser, and definitely knew what he wanted from life. To everyone else it seemed like a match made in heaven…but to me, I was living my own personal hell. We were very good friends on top of it all too, (which made it much worse) AND he made me laugh (which now in retrospect makes me just want to cry.) So, how on God’s earth can someone that amazing be so bad at sex? Well, I am a firm believer that some people are just untalented, but that they can be taught and that no matter how much you love someone, even if it's the most you’ve ever loved anyone, that there still might be the slight chance that sexual chemistry might be lacking which can definitely result in the failure of what could have been, well, something absolutely great. Or, we could just blame the porn industry instead - that's probably the easiest option and most likely the real culprit, and I promise you the industry won’t care anyway. Bad sex is a total deal breaker for me. Call me a bitch for saying that, but no… ain’t nobody got time for that. Life is too short to have iffy sex.

Now, the reason why I thought the sex was not good was well, because: 

1. he had a very demanding job and would mostly pass out at around 9pm on a Friday night (see how I am making excuses for him again,) which meant that there really wasn’t enough time for us to have foreplay before the big shebang (hardly a bang, I can assure you.)

And 2. He disliked trying anything new as it was too much work for an already overworked man, so, I would often get the choice of either a morning quickie before he had to rush off to work, or a post-work “kissing, undressing, slipping it into you, cumming (him) and then watching tv” kind of event. Very satisfying, indeed. I actually at one point found myself fantasizing about doing Jason Sudeikis while watching Horrible Bosses and eating Thai food with my then perfect beau. Sad, I know. Now, the reason we broke up was not because of the bad sex. Oh, on the contrary, I was actually willing to give it a shot and kept hoping that it’ll eventually get better (just like a battered wife who keeps hoping that one day he'll change,) or that he’d get laid off so I could finally get laid properly. But, the real reason we broke up was not because of the bad sex, but more about the fact that he put so much pressure on me to orgasm and I just couldn’t take it anymore. Yes, my boyfriend expected me to cum on command. I didn't understand for a long time how he had formulated this idea in his head or how on earth he could possibly have expected of me to cum by the touch of one nipple. A little interesting fact for you: According to an article in psychologytoday.com, "Only 25 percent of women are consistently orgasmic during vaginal intercourse." Boom. Eat that!

But, on one crisp Sunday morning, I had had enough and as we lay in bed like an old married, sexless couple enjoying our cup of java, I brought up the idea of watching porn together in the hopes that it would enhance our already "stellar" foreplay routine and to my utter surprise was met with a "oh, I actually really enjoy watching porn and do so on a regular basis!" Wait what? A regular basis, I thought. Regular…? Really? Really Mister "I have no time for sex, but porn is okay, because those girls are easy to please... the way it should be." Should it be that way? Is there something wrong with me? Should females be that easy to please? I had a million and one questions running through my perturbed mind, but wanted to keep my cool, because I am a cool girlfriend and I am not allowed to complain or else Mr. Perfect might just leave me. "Regular as in daily?" I ask. "No, love. Not just daily, but many times a day," he said with a somewhat proud smirk on his pompous face. So, you're not having sex with me because you're too tired, but once I shut the front door and head back to mine, you'd grab the lube and enjoy an episode of “Fake Taxi” on the regular, I quietly thought to myself as I smiled and continued sipping on my now cold coffee. Yup… it all finally made sense. 

F**k Fake Taxi. Did you notice that Fake Taxi has the word fake in the name? Well, if you didn't, you're an idiot. I wonder why they really chose that word? No, it’s not because these girls are getting into a fake taxi and boning an ugly, fat, British bloke. No, they use the word fake because these girls are all faking it. Eureka! It had become clear to me that my boyfriend was living in a fake sexual reality and I had become the victim of a bunch of Essex girls with DD titties and a cab driver who liked to take "advantage" of them for cab fare they apparently can't afford on their porn star salaries. I also realized that my lovely, sweet, charming boyfriend was also the victim of a world where fake women cum on fake command and are already so fakely worked up once said cabbie takes out his floppy peen that they just sooooo (very fakely) have to have it! 

The guilt I carried for months during our relationship, every single time he blamed me for not cumming on command because of his own sexual inadequacies, finally lifted off of me and I was able to breathe again and see him for who he really was - an amazing man who was just so clueless about the female orgasm, because the only way he ever learned how to please a woman was by watching porn. He had become so immersed in that world that he even scolded me once for not faking it and saying that our relationship would have worked out had I just faked it for him.

Now, here's the thing: I actually carry a lot of anger towards his previous girlfriends for this, not so much towards him, surprisingly, because they obviously faked it and if there is one thing I despise, it is a female who has the audacity to fake an orgasm in order to stroke her man’s um…ego. It becomes a vicious cycle - one that ruins future relationships. Are you really that afraid of rather being single? I don’t care how much you love the guy or how much you want to make him feel NOT bad… but, how about making yourself feel good for once, ladies? How about putting yourselves first and having some damn respect for your own sexuality.

Trust me...his future girlfriends (or probably wife) might just thank you for that. Rant over. 

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